The mess in my Head

 As I struggle to stand today, trying to find my feet, amidst the daily struggles, you stand from far and look at me like it's none of your business to help me out.   It has been the least of your botheration being with me.. no strings attached and a fool free of cost. 
I constantly try to reason myself that I shouldn't go back to something that's so toxic for me to carry forward, which is slowly eroding my dignity. As I kick my ego aside to put up with you,  you pick me when you catch a tea break and dump me down the trash box when the tea becomes too strong.  
Every day I try to find reason with your behavior and treatment of me, one day you being the most considerate person standing a feet away from me, looking into my eyes,holding my hand, and the other being an indifferent you who has forgotten my existence. 
Being so scared to admit a simple thing as love just paints a picture of how cowardly you are, awakening love in the heart of a woman, unintentionally, whom you had no intentions of loving.
Whenever I look at you I feel a part of myself get sad about the fact that this is a person who has never appreciated the person that I was, the work that I did, or even anything remotely associated with me.
That constant criticism that ensues whenever I try to reason with things gives me a tug at my leg when I want to move forward.
The you that has never tried to make me laugh a little, whenever I feel blue, but always try to camouflage with superficial bouts of verbal love which come as epitomes of your care towards me that you shower as if I should be obliged by it. The fool that I am, I do.
Constantly thinking everyday that today you'll see me as I am, just as good enough that I can be for anyone and myself, but that has never enthralled you. Your attention of me comes with your need for attention and care when you see others wait listing you, coz oh. Here's a fool who has always put you on the priority list sidelining the ones who prioritise her. Fools are hard to convince and so am I.. standing here looking at you, indifferent, unfaltered, unapologetic and selfish.  I wipe a tear off and go on.

Your hands in mine...

Seeing you there, seeing you everyday, now doesn't entice a thing within me. sitting there with you, with all that care in your eyes, couldn't take me back to where we left it. As your fingers playfully ran through my hair, and held my hands, it felt cold inside me. I wanted to, and i tried to say what i meant, right then and there. That the "us" that you're longing for, doesn't exist anymore.
It wasn't the first time i was trying to tell you this. Every time we walked those empty roads, i could hear those words rushing out of me, but then someone or the other we'd encounter, as we always do, and I'd swallow back the words.

It took me sometime, to cut the strings of attachments, one by one. Slowly, i took one step at a time. I had suffered enough hurt already. I just wasn't eager for more. I knew that our dreams of "us" were never turning to reality. You never were the person who intended on staying. I don't know why you stayed this long. Last year, it was a different me, already broken, on the verge of getting shattered. You came along, and made things worse. I never thought you were my glue, i knew it. But don't know why those kind words seemed like honey and i lapped on to it. Maybe, i didn't have enough energy left in me to push you back. It took me one summer, to sit and cut off all those strings brutally.
I had a realization.
I gained a perspective finally. I didn't know what "gaining" a perspective was, till i actually realized it.
I realized that you were my lesson, to grow stronger. You were my lesson to be a changed a person. I am a person who resists changes a lot, one who is scared do even move a chair in a different way, because it changes things. You said you were the best person out there, who can take care of me in the best way.
Sitting at home, away from you and all the hubhub, i had time to think, think about your place in my life. I had told you i'll leave, and you always thought you can pull me back like you had all the control in the world over me. 2 months away from you, made me see me. How much i had broken, how much you broke me further. I saw you as my kryptonite, made me weaker at my knees but all the very harmful for me, by all means. I decided, your infidelity wasn't worth my time and my heart. You'll never mend your ways. I notice you silently, doing all that you do, that you always did, trying to make me jealous with all those who had no idea.
Coming back, looking at those eyes, made me weak again, but this time i knew, you can't have me back. i wasn't the same anymore. the change i had always dreaded has struck me. Reminiscing all those times with you, made me laugh. That laugh relieved you as you thought you had me back, little did you know that laugh was of freedom.
I still sit with you, with all your stories and that head full of lies of yours. You staring at me, thinking of ways to get me running back to you, with those enthralling eyes tracing my every move. i both love it and hate it about you, that intent gaze about every detail about me, including my little bindi, which is off by a millimeter.
As we sit in those empty streets, you friskily take my hands in yours, pulling my cheeks with the other, i stare at your eyes full of fallacies.

The Comeback

Wow, it's been long since posted something. Not that this is for anybody's concern. ;) Everybody needs a comeback, from their roles, their lives everyday, their work, their relationships. We just forget who we are and just go with the flow of our lives, our emotions, sometimes unable to control our motion in the paths that we travel too. 

Well,  a lot of drama in life, since the past 1 year, well, since i blogged last. Changed cities, changed lifestyle and a changed person(hopefully) that I am right now, trying to live life normally. Well, it's me after all, how can things be normal, like, ever?! 

For somebody, thank you Mr. X, for leaving finally. Couldn't have asked you in a clearer way. Absolutely top-notch(though a bit unexpected) of you to make a comeback on my birthday. Way too much melodrama you created for a while in my life. Thank you for all the love, but no thank you now. We're done, finally. Just when you decide in life, you've had enough and done and dusted for the time being, life has lemons to throw at you, and remind you, oh we are not done. Same with you, Mr. X. When i finally decided that I have moved on, how can it soothe your heart? Well yeah, enough about you. Don't wanna spend a byte more of this text for you any longer.

This is "My Comeback" ;)

Started to look things in a new light, and trying to make amends, and trying to understand life less. Too much for my little mind. :P Rediscovered that sarcasm is the best medicine, and will continue to be so. Realized there are too many jerks around, who aren't even worth a dime of your attention, but however shall try their hardest to gather and drink in all the limelight around with their hogwashery. They think they know you too well, and can't keep their slithering smooth talking tongue from wagging. Even they know their claims that they know you, that you mean a lot to them, and they will never let you walk away, no matter what, is all tomfoolery and as cowardly as they get, will run away as soon as you confront them with the truth, which they can't handle. Like a moth to fire, they can't seem to see you happy either, constantly questioning the reasons of your happiness. Well, it's none of your business. As a good friend requoted from somewhere, "It's not that there are too many assholes in the world, but they are so strategically located that you meet one everyday." My addition to this quote-"Well, we might meet the same ones everyday too. I know some." :P ;)

This also dawned upon me that, there are some people who make you feel like the world is a worthwhile place, and that you do mean more than just a name. The ones that make you smile from your heart, right there, all warm and fuzzy. Still, never lose your individuality, nor your priorities. It's always good and intelligent to walk away where you deem your worth is being undervalued and compensated. You are not an option, and deserve every bit of the priority of the people you deem important and matter to you, and to whom you matter.

And always remember, no one can make you feel bad about yourself, without your consent. So put on your brightest smile, trot like it's nobody's business, because you're worth a lot more than you think you are.

Until next time.... Till reality strikes.. ;)

My Love for you is gone

Your voice has gradually started to fade from my memory. Is it a good thing?

 Slowly I'm unable to recall your face. A push, and a pull and a nudge, what i held on off you lay scattered on the ground. The images, the memories, your laughs, your eyes. I pull out a picture from the stack. I stared and I gazed at it, like gazing at stars, and wondered, 'the same face everywhere, but just not in my mind'. I grow confused. Your laughter that once filled my ears, now doesn't stay there anymore. My eyes don't want to recognize you any more. That tiny mole on your nose and those bunny ears are about to leave my memory too. I pushed you. You left, long back. You came, you left, you came and you left. This time i pushed harder. You left, of course. It has never taken much, to make you leave. But couldn't you look back, that one last time? Somewhere in my heart, I longed for your return. But now, not any more. Why? Is it a good thing?

 I hated you and despised you for a long time. Bitterness filled my heart and I voiced spiteful words for you. Slowly it dried off, the bitterness. Now just fragments of it remain. I'm planning to brush them off too. What i thought I'd feel after the bitterness gone, is this blankness and void. But i don't feel that way. Maybe I'm past all that melodrama. Maybe it's high time that my happiness played it's own symphony rather than singing the tunes you wrote. The notes are too old now. So, I'd just tear them apart, and throw them away. 4 years. Way too much time wasted, don't you think? Yeah, it wasn't easy for me. We never said goodbye. Things were left dangling in mid-air. Thoughts were stopped from flowing. You and me could never turn 'we'. Now, i feel maybe we weren't meant to be. My love for you is gone. Is it a good thing?

The deeper I peek, the more I see how everything was so very right and so very wrong at the same time. Mostly, wrong was the time. How wrong could the stars be, that we found each other to part ways. How wrong could i be, to have held on to your memories, this far? Far too long isn't it. You found your happiness way back, in someone else. My happiness had lost it way. But i think, after having removed you from my mind, there's space enough in my memory for it to find it's way back home, to me. The baggages of emotions you left behind, I'm throwing them out too. You've outgrown them. They won't fit you anymore.I know I'll remain as a figment of your memory, but I think you need to move out now. Is it a good thing? 

 We never said good bye, but now i want to. Good byes can be tough, but they need to be said.

You were a nice part of my memories. Nice to have known you.  

Hasta La Vista, Baby. Au Revoir.

The Love That I Had For You!!!

I see your silhouette on the horizon,still too far..

Just left the battlefield, now my heart's door is ajar..

Wondering if you ever wandered the valleys of my thoughts, or just a figment of imagination..

Or was my reply not good enough for your retaliation..

Awestruck, a tiny hope flickers in my mind..

You'll come running back, but oh, will you ever be so kind?

Left me battered and bruised, shattered and smashed..

And that's one of the sites, where my dreams of you crashed..

Everything ever related to you is now so distant..

Striking everything in your way, making me hesitant..

Pains to think of you..

Good times that we've been through..

The best of times are now followed by the hurts..

All the happiness now slowly averts..

The room in my heart for you, now sits very blank..

You ran away so hurriedly, and just forgot to thank?

You turned my world so dark and pitch black..

Why couldn't I just ever turn on the lights back?

Is this your absence that's driving me crazy?

Every other thing in my mind now looks so hazy..

It's time you left me alone, because it's been so long..

Four each of winter, spring, rain and autumn..

I know i can't see you again smiling at me..

So why don't you just look front, and forget you, let me..

This time why don't you just leave and don't look back..

Because my broken heart is in pieces and now begun to crack..

That day...

There's a rainbow in the inside of my head. And a thousand butterflies fluttering about. The sky is a perfect hue of blue, and scarletty on the edges. The sun shining as if it's got this boundless basket, full of enlightenment and energy just revitalizing everything it falls upon, scattering it, seeing no lows, nor highs.

Distant mountains, snow-capped. Sweeping around is a cool breeze towards me. The lub-dub of my own heartbeats fill the space. I can feel the laughter that nested on my lips quietly earlier, now free from it's bounds, spring back to it's place and stuck to my face. A few butterflies tickled inside my stomach.

The greenery of the pastures , endless stretches.. Lush, tender green grass beneath my feet, feeling like velvet, as my feet sank into them. Dandelions brushing past my face, poppies spreading around like a carpet for the royal. I flirt with the rosy winds and steal a glance of everything around. A little brook surges nearby, and the water gargles like a little child giggling. A couple of deers frolicking upon those meadows,stopping and gazing at me. I wave at them, and they acknowledge. The world is painted a peachy shade, everything looks different, and awe-inspiring.

A delightful and wonderful persona, stands reincarnated. His aura is magnetic. I catch him peeking hither from near the horizon. I see him come my way. I guess i knew who he was, but he sure knew all of me. Changed, for the sake of being with me. And this never seen before picturesque stands there to be relished. I, mesmerized, soak it all within, and in the inside of me, the love is reborn, my love for life,rekindled. As they say, keep a green tree in your heart, and a singing bird shall come.

Life: The Ups and Downs

It's strange and funny as well, how people tend to find the meaning of their existence in life in a jiffy. Life is tough, and it is a struggle to find meaning in life. The great saints travelled to the Himalayas, and after a lot of penance, they found purpose. Life sometimes is simple as it looks, like a little baby's smile. But do we really know what's behind that hearty smile? I find it mysterious, as we never know what pleases a child?! That's why people get confused when a child throws tantrums or starts to cry for no apparent reason. 

Life's like that People take it for granted at times, but are thrown back at their own asses, and then they know how hard it can get to search for meaning in Life. Eat, Pray, Love? Can it be that simple? God knows.
People slowly start to analyze and think harder and harder. Then come phases in life, like you know, stages.
These phases are of 2 major kinds, the Bad and the Good. There's basically and officially no intermediate phase that satiates any person, and mostly the if there is an intermediate state, it only defines the saturatedness or stagnantness of people stuck in life, and at this point, one should fall back for retreat,sit and analyze, but not for too long. Think and start putting thoughts into action. People keep fluctuating between these two major phases and get confused, about what they want in life and what not.
The bad phase shows you the needs in life and the good phase shows you the wants. It's almost all about what you want, but when you need to struggle for the needs, people start valuing things. So,these phases keep coming and going in everyone's life.

In the good phase, things look even. The goodness done to people by you, seems like finally paying off. Throughout the phase you always feel lucky and happy about stuff and there's a sense of fulfillment. You suddenly start nurturing your ever-cherished wants and start a wild-goose chase behind it. A wisecrack for those in that phase- Don't do something in the heat of the moment,feeling lucky and thinking every bad you do, will not been seen or so. Nor say or do things that your conscience says that you might regret later in future, so just don't do it.
In the bad phase, people start assuming and remembering all the bad things they did or that they regret, that has put them in that place. The world seems like a bitter place. A bit of a wisecrack for them as well- Trust God, have faith. These are the things that will help you pull through the whatever bad ongoings. However  hard you have to toil, tolerate a bit longer, as someone wise had said once- 

"This too shall pass."

A line that will upset you in good times and gladden you up in sad times, like an honest reminder. Believe and trust God for whatever circumstances you run through,you'll come out of it, a winner. Battling your fears and instilling faith in mind, will pull you ashore for sure.